In the last six months I've heard more about change than I've ever had before. But just as a Christian from China once said: the longest journey is the one that truth makes, as it makes its way from the mind to the heart.
So tonight I realize that in six months' time, I've been introduced to several books that have brought me much truth and knowledge, much joy--and much discomfort also.
Let me name just two for now.
There is Destined to Reign, whose devotional entries are sometimes truly difficult to embrace, as I have been unused to focusing on God's gifts and blessings when I am being made acutely aware of personal failures and moments of weakness. And yet in some of the toughest situations I have faced so far this past half-year, it was precisely the love of God that kept me going, plodding and hacking away at thorny self-pity, past roaring pride, through dark irrational fear, breaking free from entangling self-imposed limitations, through the jungle of personal failure and human folly.
It has been His presence in prayer, His protection in battle, His grace under fire, His word and truth during uncertainties, His peace in conflict, and His miracle in impossible situations that have been with me.
Did the thought of discipline and, yes, even punishment, ever come to my mind?
Yes. God, as in an African proverb, speaks softly but carries a big stick. But the crucial thing is, the discipline is a tool and not an end in itself. It is His tool, His chisel, His pruning knife. My beautifully-sculpted character and life story, my flourishing relationships and abundant resources are His ends. And so, trembling, I trust.
I trust even when He thrusts me into a new season where I have to confront the question: why am I a leader in this area but not in that? Why must I not turn my back on the calling for leadership? What has held me back from serving others more excellently? What has kept me from daring to envision, and casting that vision on to others and making them catch fire as well?
John Maxwell's Developing the Leader Within You, Developing the Leaders Around You is not for the faint of heart (but don't ask me why I'm endangering myself).
As he says his piece about all of us being leaders -- that is, exerting influence upon others in some way, in some areas -- I tremble some more and demand from God a clear explanation as to why He is allowing me to go through this.
And all I have been getting so far is this cryptic reply: I have plans for you.
In the New International Version of the Bible, He says to the young prophet Jeremiah:
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
But this same declaration, expressed in the King James Version, resounds with more power and yet echoes with more tenderness...
"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end."
That phrase--an expected end--speaks volumes to me. Here is a God who is not caught off-guard by evil schemes. Here is a Master Planner whose calendar for me spans Eternity, whose daily entries are set in stone, whose Project Evaluation has already been prepared: "Fearfully and wonderfully made....It is finished...It is done..."
How could I not trust this One?
So in roughly four months, as He ushers me into yet another season on this Earth, preparing me to bid farewell to 39 summers, and gently turning my head back to look forward, towards all the remaining summers in the road ahead, I may very well find myself somehow different from who and what and where I am now.
And naysayers may laugh and declare me to be an old dog--surely, I cannot expect to learn to swim or bike or drive or effectively yet humbly lead a team, or travel in and out of the country, or become a songwriter, at MY age...
But I will just simply have to tell them the truth: I am not a dog. Never was, never will be. I am a woman created, saved, and still being transformed by God.
And I am not after learning new tricks, anyway.
Climbing personal mountains of unbelief, yes. Running the race of life, yes. Diving into deeper connections with God, yes. Walking ever closer in unison with the people I love, yes. But tricks? I'll have to pass.
This life is a serious yet joy-filled journey, where the travelling process is every bit as important as the destination, and where forked roads always carry the same two road signs.
One reads: To Stay the Same. The other reads: To Change.
From what I've heard, the first road tends to lead you around in circles; it's the second one that gets you progressively closer to the destination.
